Look for me Under your Boot-Soles

Goodbye RHA

My final words to RHA. I apologize for the grammar, as this was meant to be read aloud:

It was four years ago that I attended my first last meeting. At the time, Ivy Cherian was Vice President and she decided to give a closing speech. There were many moments when I realized that I knew RHA was where I belonged, but I remember this being one of my first. I do not remember everything she said—but the message was clear, she loved RHA and I realized I did too. So I want to pay homage to her—to my own experiences here  and, to be perfectly honest— I needed the closure, so I apologize if this comes across as the confession of an over passionate and hyperemotional individual. As Tyler Knott once said, “I have no choice but to leave you with these attempts, as futile as they might be, for words are all I have to offer and the only currency I believe in.”

 I began my freshman year as an RHA Rep in Douglass College, after I was not elected to the secretary position. It was a delicious turn of fate for me and reinforced the classic “everything happens for a reason”. During this year, I did not apply for any ad hoc positions or apply to attend any conferences or run for any executive board positions. I was disheartened believing that I did not deserve these opportunities. In fact, I rarely spoke believing my opinions did not have weight or value—that, like most areas of my life, it was much better to remain silent.

If I leave you with anything today, I must urge you not to remain silent. Your worst enemy is your own lack of conviction in your power. I know too well the weight of the difference between what you think and what you dream—how this can trap you in your own reality. When you take the opinions of others and their views and develop them into this self-concept that “these people will always be right about me”. When you have these seemingly unattainable aspirations and you think you can never bring them to fruition. But really, if you can allow yourself to embrace who you are, you can make what you envision. Being here has given me confidence, something I never thought I would have—and what I find most glorious and profound of all is that RHA has given me my voice.

During my sophomore year, I began to allow myself to get more involved. I knew I wanted to continue in RHA, so I ran for RHA Representative again. I did not win the election and was left with no position. It was discouraging—to say the least, but I still came to RHA and after a few weeks, the official rep dropped out and I was elected. In the end, I think it helped me appreciate everything more. I applied for conference—and was rejected. It was difficult, but understandable. I didn’t have the qualifications yet. They could only take one person. This was when RHA hosted their first sub-regional meeting and—as a member of conference committee, I wanted to help. So, I stayed the entire day and night—and this began the many nights I would have with little sleep due to a profound love for something much bigger than myself. During this night, Colin Bedell—the current SBCC at the time, told me “Jess, I have this feeling that you will be on the Executive Board next year. I just know it.” It was plenty for me. It was more than plenty. Before I knew it, he helped make my dream—and more than that, he helped me find myself. He was one of the people who helped shape my love for positivity and why I have taken his positive outlook on life & shaped my own to share with you. That fall I applied for an ad hoc position and was granted the position of Publicist. I was elected Hall Council President and I applied (and was given ) a spot on the minis 2010 delegation.

Minis 2010 at New Paltz “Climbing Mount Marty” was my first and one of my favorite conferences. I remember speaking to Craig McCarthy, the current  President at the time—who had tears in his eyes and said “The greatest thing about NEACURH is that the more love you put into it—the more love you get back.” We were bidding for an insane amount of awards, including “School of the Year” which we ended up winning. But, thinking back now, I don’t think it would have mattered to me if we had won at all. To this day, one of my favorite RHA moments is the moment before we won. All of us gathered around the table with our hands linked in anticipation. The hand holding and the hope is what has always been right about RHA—the hope to do something bigger, to impact others with positive change— how it did not really matter if we won but only influenced the idea that we were together and that was enough.

Last year when I ran for Vice President I was uncertain if I would be able to do it. It was a big jump from Secretary and as Vice President, all you do is talk. Plus, I was left as the most experienced person on the Executive Board and I had to take on the role as a guide for everyone else. I knew it would be a challenge. This past summer I tried to prepare and I found myself overwhelmed after the first two meetings. The old me, which is still— to be completely honest with you, very much a part of myself crept back in and said “you can’t do this.” So, I sought advice. I talked to Jay and told him that I wanted to give up. I didn’t want the RHA General Body to be left with someone who could not adequately communicate with them. I felt the weight of my personal issues at the time, with the burden of this responsibility was impossibility. I felt that my final battle with one of my biggest insecurities was over—and the darker part had won. I felt defeated.  Yet Jay told me “it was only the beginning, to not be afraid—-to find more self-awareness.” And now, I am still here in front of you today, and while part of this I will give to myself as perseverance –I can give a large part of that to Jay and it is one of the many reasons why we all say and why I believe “Jay is the man.”

I speak before you today as a very humble woman who can only be grateful for everything that has happened to her the last four years. I will never understand how or why I was recognized for only doing something that I love. Every year, come election time, I would be forced to thoroughly analyze my love for here. As Secretary, RHA was wonderful. As Vice President, it was not only the best experience of my college career, but defined my college career. And now, standing before you, I can truly say that this has been the best experience of my life and I have no idea who I would be without RHA today. I wake up and I find my RHA love in my pockets, on my walls, and in a small and soft corner in my heart which I truly only reserve for my most special treasures. While I spoke greatly about the previous leaders that inspired me—and while I know this to be true, it is even more significant how you all inspire me today. That, really truly absolutely I would not be anywhere without you. So, what do you say to an organization who has given you more opportunities than you could ever hope for, some of the most incredible people that you have ever met, and essentially changed your life? You say thank you and you hope that it’s enough. RHA General Body, I just have one last thing to say to you “R-O-C-K you rock you rock!”

How we live in a Social World

Thought is undeniable. If you live—you think. There would be no purpose without thought. There is no other way to rationalize. Emotion cannot be felt without thought. Decisions cannot be made without thought—nothing is made without thought (even subconciously).

If we look at the concept of identity we will encounter some of the most engaging elements of our social life.  We live in a world of people. Yes, it is true—another undeniable fact. Social situations characterize our lives. If you do not interact with people, it is unlikely you will be normative.

What I would like to rationalize is the conflict between perceived self and ideal self. The ideal self represents all of the qualities a person would like to possess and would like others to believe they possess. The perceived self is the extent to which we believe we embody these qualities. It determines our entire self-concept. Our identity frames our world.

Whenever we get comments or criticism or derisions from others, they shape us. There is an old saying, “Sticks and stones may brake my bones but words will never harm me.” Negative words have the power to derail our identity, especially if they are repeatedly given. As much as an optimist would like to believe that “others do not determine how I feel about myself” and “it doesn’t matter what other people think”, it does matter. We live in a social world.

According to the looking glass theory, the self springs from the interpersonal interaction and the perceptions of others. Our own ideal self has a part, but the perceived cannot be created without the social environment. If someone is constantly bombarded with hateful criticism, then wouldn’t they use these concepts to define themselves?

Somehow, between the ideal and the perceived, an identity is created. A person’s  image of their own self matters in this life, but true identity cannot be realized without people. How will those who struggle with insurmountable hate unburden themselves from the social environment? I cannot image living with such a weight on my mind and on my heart. The social world is our gift and our curse.